I think you all have come to see I'm not the best at writing blogs; I feel like I learn 20 life-changing lessons every day here, which I will never complain about, but it makes someone like me have no clue where to even start.
We are now in the seventh month of the race, and I'm just in shock at how fast this year is flying by. We have worked with such incredible ministries; please check my Facebook for updates on what our day-to-day has looked like. I think for the sake of my commonly overwhelmed brain, I'm going to try for the rest of the race to make my blog a place where I just explain what is going on in my walk with the Lord.
Recently, I think the Lord has started to place a calling on my life to bring hope to those stuck in the darkness of the world. I'm not sure where or how He will use this calling in the future but frankly, that doesn't matter much to me right now.
Every moment we live in this world, in the age of technology, secularism, social media, extreme polarization, the list can go on for DAYS. Whether they be true or false, we are told things, and those things affect who we are. Before coming on the race, I felt entrenched in all the noise I could not get out. Most of the people in my life did not know the most profound aspects of my testimony because I did not know them myself. I was so distracted by the world's chaos and my life that I did not see how badly I was hurting. I have felt the Lord asking me to share my testimony on my blog for a while, but to be honest, I have been pretty terrified. But, I have made it out of the darkness and into His beautiful light. So, if this moment of vulnerability can offer anyone who reads this hope, I'm happy to do it.
For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with anxiety; it just became a part of my day-to-day life, I learned how to cope. But everything changed when I got diagnosed with depression in college, and I did not know how to function. Coming from a Christian home, growing up in church, attending a Christian school, I knew about God, but I had not experienced Him.
So when I started to struggle with depression, I did not turn to Him. I didn't see Him as one who would bring comfort; I had this lie in my mind that He was judgmental and unsympathetic to my struggles. So instead of going to Him at some of my lowest points, I ran the opposite way, straight into the world, partying most nights, looking for things to distract myself from everything I was feeling. Each morning I would wake up and be like, what am I doing? So helpless but unable to break away from all of my sin because of the shame I felt. The cycle kept repeating until my depression had me locked in my room, unable to get out of bed for months. I only got up to go to school and occasionally out with my friends. I look back on that time, and my heart breaks. I was SO lost. The onset of the pandemic only made things worse; I kept pushing things down, became so angry, defensive, and aloof from everyone I loved and cared about. Throughout the summer of 2020, I struggled almost daily with suicidal thoughts, not telling anyone, not seeking any help, still running so far from God. One night in the late summer, I was at my lowest point; I had no hope at all. I was done with my life. As I was sitting there contemplating all of this, out of nowhere, I felt something say open the Bible to Job (I had never read this book in my life). So I did. I started reading 3:13, "Now I would certainly be lying down in peace, I would be asleep. Then I would be at rest." This was Job pleading with God to take His life, and at that moment, it was almost as everything made sense. God had been with me, He was there, He saw my pain, He wouldn't give up on me. In that instant, all thoughts of suicide left me. To this day, I have not struggled with suicidal thoughts.
After that night, I can see the Lord's faithful hand in bringing me to the race. I was so far from Him at the beginning of the race. There was this anticipation that I was leaving behind my old patterns, my depression and anxiety, and all of the muck and mire and stepping into a new and BEAUTIFUL life with Him. If there is one thing I can say about what He has done for me since I started to walk with Him, it would be that He has given me joy and passion for waking up in the morning. I no longer just get through my days, but I go through them with gladness and appreciation for my Savior who brought me out!!
The other day a few of us on the squad were talking about Job 42:2-6, which says,
"I know that you can do anything and no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, "who is this who conceals my counsel with ignorance?"
Surely, I spoke about things too wondrous for me to know.
You said, "Listen now, and I will speak. When I question you, you will inform me.
I had heard reports about you, but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore, I reject my words and am sorry for them; I am dust and ashes."
This was a full-circle moment; almost two years ago, I had all these misconceptions about the Lord, running away from Him because I did not know His true love and goodness. Then, he met me where I was, and that night was only a glimpse into what was to come. I had no idea how WONDERFUL His works were, and now I see, I truly see. My God is the ultimate Comforter, Healer, Father, Friend, and Redeemer; I am so thankful for the redemption He has given me. My heart wants everyone in that pit to know the peace that only comes from Him.
