This time last year, I was looking in a mirror at myself, unaware of who I really was, unaware that it is actually two sided, and unaware of how unrecognizable the girl in the reflection would become.
On January 1st, 2022, at 12:00am I was to be found in the streets of Puerto Viejo, Costa Rica. Accompanied by gap i, singing, dancing and dreaming of what God would do in 2022.
The following months I was hand in hand with 40 friends who found their feet on the volcanic grounds of Guatemala. Eswatini rained more than anyone would have expected leaving mud traced in the most unusual places. The signs of exploration, days spent tickling tiny hands and feet, and the beauty found in the changing of seasons.
May 29th, the time was up for the dream that was the World Race. Tears exhibiting the grief felt from the hanging questions over our heads that asked, “when will we see each other again?”, “how did it go by so fast?” We thought that day would be the worst grief we would experience.
I visited the mirror, now I looked different. Aside from the dramatic haircut, nose piercing and tattoos painted on my arms that screamed World Racer. I had gained an awareness that there is an opposing side to this mirror. The dots had connected. God had designed the mirror to where I had to figure out how it worked for myself. He was and is on both sides. Applauding me. Affirming me. This is where I found who I was. Who He was. I just had to seek and find. He showed me beauty that was in my heart all along. I knew I had become a woman of God.
On my side of the mirror, I did in fact see another person. Someone who entered my life somewhat unexpectedly. A man God saw worthy to stand by my side and I by his. I spent the summer with Colin, chasing violet orchestrated skies from our creator. With filled camera rolls of photos from far off places, we remembered what was and anticipated what was to come. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to experience a love so indescribable. Where you cannot help but be left with a dancing heart that overflows into a song and with an aching abdomen from hours spent laughing on the floor.
August 9th, 8:00am, I was on the stage leading worship at our squad reunion, with that same man by my side. I felt the Lord ask me to close with ‘Revelation Song’ which quotes what is sung in the throne room. Little did we know, that on that same day, Colin would get to sing that song on both sides of heaven that day. At 1:00pm, I answered a phone call that changed my life. Within minutes the man I waited so patiently to be with, for so long, went home. As I stood on the side of the road, for a split second I felt peace. Followed by the sound of roaring thunder conflicting with the shining summer day. He had entered glory. The hours following were filled with silence that was deafening. Muffled prayers from our knees filled the room our boy laid. Tears fallen for the absence of a beautiful life. How could God of let this happen? I wrestled with the echoing quote “God is not done with me”. A phrase Colin repeatedly said in confidence whenever he was faced with any hindrance. I only thought of this phrase with him being on this side of heaven. As I continue to wait patiently once again, I have been able to realize that the infamous Colin quote still applies. God was not done with him and still is not. Just not in the way any of us had in mind. His testimony is now a part of us.
I say in full confidence that if Colin knew that the ripple effect of his passing would have such an advancement for the Kingdom, he would of be even more content with death. He feared no one but God.
Four days later, I moved into Gainesville for the start of CGA. The same property I had said my first hello and last goodbye to Colin. “How was this my new reality?” Somehow, I had the thought, “I can’t wait to see how God brings himself glory through all this!” Five months later. A lot has changed. CGA somewhat summed up, took the foundation I knew, and thought was strong and well destroyed it, causing me to start from scratch. I became aware this tool belt that I have been given. At the beginning did not know how to use the tools properly. Through 5 extensive months, I have been able to grow comfortable with trying them out and became familiar with how they work. The Lord has equipped me.
Keeper of the flame. Words spoken heavily over me in this season. The Lord showed me a hand holding a lit match with the other hand in the position of protection. I carry passion, influence, warmth from a fire with an embrace that says, “come sit by me”. I have responsibility. Will I use my flame to lead in the midst of darkness as source of light? And will I use it to ignite others matches? Colins flame did not burn out, it simply transferred to mine. Because of him, my flame burns brighter. His attributes, passions, what he stood for, was only fuel to that fire. God does not let anything go to waste.
With CGA now at an end, I have to confidence to make eye contact with the woman in the reflection. The man that previously stood beside her was no longer shown. He now gets to stand beside our Father from the other side. Colin does not dwell on what we are doing here in this fallen world. But he does now get to join God in applauding me in a new way.
It is hard to not dwell on the thought that I’m leaving Colin in 2022 and starting 2023 without him. I carry him in my heart. There is still work to do, this home is only temporary and both God and Colin want me to keep moving forward. “Let’s proclaim this year, and every year, as the year of the Lord's favor.” -Kayli Holden
Who will the woman in the mirror continue to become?
“It’s an adventure.”-Colin
