once again, a whole year later, i write from my bed in asheville, north carolina after yet another wild 9 months.
the past year of my life has been nothing sort of challenging, transitional, inconsistent, and undeniably hard.
BUT!! (as always) it has been one of the most growing, fruitful, and fulfilling seasons of my life.
in august 2021 i moved back to georgia to support and lead a group of 5 women through the beginning of their race - my favorite people to this day. after tears in feedback, weird conversations about boundaries, walks through georgia woods, and those slightly awkward one on ones i knew that my home in gap i would be lasting much longer than i originally intended.
leadership asked me and my now friend JASON (jashon, jbay, etc.) to stay for the entirety of the 9 months to lead several teams at once and to co-lead with our girl isabel (biz, bizzer, bizzard, my bestest friend).
it was the easiest yes i could have made in that moment already having experienced not only the kindness of my own team, but the abounding sense of family and realness in the hearts of the whole squad.
team lydia & i then went on to conquer jaco beach, painting light posts, team times on lee's bunk bed, less awkward one on ones, art processing, BAPTISMS & FREEDOM, real community, learning spanish (or not), bats & luis, and more. they became family ! a trusted group of warriors for the kingdom who never let you go unseen. forever grateful for a season dedicated to them, and i hope there are more to come :)
and then transition! the squad is reunited and jason and i switch into new roles with new teams in a new place! all! new! things!
we finish out our time in costa rica with ministry in the jungle and on the streets of puerto viejo.
i remember night one being absent from my original team's team time and wondering what the heck was happening. the strangeness of new friendship with the squad that hadn't yet begun and also holding deep connection with these gals had just begun.
thanks jesus for those who welcomed me! prayers in anav's room, christmas caroling and coordinated dances with rooted, bible study or feedback with boaz, and refreshing one on one's with team eden - only a few of the things that mark these first 3 weeks of leading the squad.
guatemala brought deeper relationship with so many individuals and a newness to my leadership with the squad. this is where i learned more of who i am and who i'm not. one of the few blogs i actually wrote on the field will give you more insight to my heart - here.
these couple months in guatemala showed me for the first time that the Lord did not only want to USE me for His kingdom, but in the process He just wanted to BE with me and my heart as i grew and failed and opened up again to who i was supposed to be all along.
i remember fields of green for cartwheeling, rooms full of dance parties & team times & movie nights & couches and meals for hosting & endless hours spend on those wooden benches talking of the Lord and all His goodness.
and suddenly gap i was pulling into the dark driveway of nsoko, eswatini, our last and final country.
africa was still. peaceful. full of life. slow-paced. deeply rooted in culture.
it was an honor to step foot into a place that so many have held in their hearts so closely.
it was also a season that has marked me forever.
our days were filled with kids, cooking, playgrounds, any game you could make up, painting around the table, as many movies as you could download, squad church, empowerment, laying in the sun, and probably even more kids.
with still, quiet spaces i expected to find myself alone and in the presence of a loud booming voice called God. yet, when i found myself in each of those moments i've never heard a voice louder - one that belongs to the enemy. overcome by anxiety, grief, and insecurity, i allowed it to reign for much much longer than i should have. it leaked into my leadership, daily walk, health, and friendships.
part of me wishes i could go back to that first drive in and do it all over again. i'd tell myself to sow more deeply into relationships. to not take everything so seriously. to not feel so ashamed for all the emotions she felt. to not question her skills as a leader. i'd tell her she is more than capable, and even more so loved a LOT - by the Lord & the people around her. i'd tell her she never failed at all.
but part of me knows that without this season i wouldn't know the parts of me now that are aching for a touch of heaven. the parts of my heart that still need healing and reconciliation back to the Father. i never would have learned that i really am a good friend. that i'm a good leader. that i love without hesitation or fear of rejection. i'm more shaped because of africa. thanks jesus!
while it still hurts to know the things that could have been different, i would hate to lead every new & next season wishing it could be something it wasn't. instead i'll embrace each moment i get, and simply do the best i can and ask the Lord each step of the way.
team leading was awesome. squad leading was hard. and i wouldn't have it any other way.
now i'm back in america... again... ready for a new thing.
while my heart grieves and feels and heals, i'm expectant for the things to come and i'm grateful for the people for have fought for me daily, held my hand in the process, and even sat in that dungeon room (iykyk) for hours on end just to know i was okay.
good things coming! glory to glory!
that's all for now
-gretchy jean
ps: talk to you soon, the aim train never ends ;)
