What does it mean to have no emotions. Well let me paint you a picture. Pretend you are with a group of people and you all are having a grand old time. Then some random thing happens or something is said that would be insignificant to others, but for you it flips the switch the light goes out inside you. You are no longer having a grand old time. You are no longer happy, but you are also not sad or mad. You are just there existing with absolutely no emotions whatsoever. You’ll be doing something you love to do and not feel any affection for the thing you’re doing. You’ll be with someone you care deeply for and all the sudden there is no feeling of connection. But you know in your mind that you still care a VERY deeply for this person. Sometimes you will be screaming at yourself internally and sometimes externally that you just want your feelings back. They won’t come back though because when that word or action flips your switch, it is very hard to flip it back on. So then you’re stuck in this state of nothingness.
I started to find comfort in not feeling a thing. It became one of my biggest strengths, because when I flipped my switch off I could do anything. I could lift heavier, run faster, play harder, and focus better. But it wasn’t without its down sides. I couldn’t feel happy around my friends; all I could offer was a fake smile and an even more fake laugh. Before this past year I don’t think I had genuinely laughed. that fact really hurt when I came up with it. I could remember having so much joy and not being able to stop laughing. But that was no longer the case. I made sure I kept that a secret though. When ever I slipped up and let it show that I couldn’t feel a thing. People would non stop ask me questions. They would feel so sorry for me and wish they could help. They would even promise to check up in me to make sure I was doing good. Which I loved and was so looking forward to. As you may have guessed that never happened. The next day rolled around and they forgot everything that was said the day before, and never checked in until the next time my porcelain mask cracked. Which just gave me stronger glue to seal up my mask again. As the years went on and the hurt kept happening again and again. I started to build up walls to protect my feelings and emotions from being hurt. So it was just easier to keep the switched to the off position.
For me this “ emotion” switch has been flipped on the off position for a long time. I would say almost the beginning of middle school. I was living with a fake smile on my face, but I couldn’t just put a smile on my face I had to act the part too. So I became a master at making up emotions and convincing others that I was having emotions. So I became the kid that was all put together and was always happy. The kid that loved himself and everyone around me. I had to be the strongest one so that I could help everyone no matter their struggles. I made sure that I was perceived as the most mentally sound in all my thinking. So that I could help others not fall into what I was going through. Picture this 7th grade Luke wanting to commit suicide because he didn’t have any emotions. He was being picked on at school, and started hating himself for who he was. That wasn’t even the worst of it. The worst part was that he couldn’t feel the love that his family and true friends were giving him, because he just couldn’t feel anything. So he started experimenting with not feeling anything and learned that he didn’t have to cry anymore; there was no more sadness. That he didn’t have to feel any pain anymore, because he could just switch it off. That he could do better in sports because he wouldn’t be distracted by anything going on inside his head. So he got really good at a lot of things. Which lead him to seek out victory. By seeking out victory he found out the best way to win was to feel nothing at all. Which ended up hurting him in a lot of ways in the future.
The NO EMOTIONS thing wasn’t completely true he got glimpses of true emotions. Like love, but all that ever lead him to was pain, because it seemed like once people got to know the real Luke they left. They had no care in the world to how it effected him. Even more than that there was one emotion that was always present and that emotion was shame. He felt shame for when he didn’t measure up and felt shame when he did, and all the time in between. He beat himself up all the time because he could always be smarter, stronger, and just do better than he did.
That isn’t the end of it all though. He learned that emotions are good for you. After almost 5 ish years of not feeling anything. He learned that love went way beyond a feeling and so did joy and sadness. His heart was hardened but that didn’t stop him. He started to ask the Lord to soften his heart and the Lord slowly began breaking and softening my heart. Even now after walking back into daily emotions, Luke will still hear or see something that will flip his switch and kill the light inside. But NOW it can be flipped back on. The light can be reignited. Our Heavenly Father has allowed me to find joy and love in His word. He didn’t just stop there He allowed me to feel loved and wanted by His children. God has made me a new and so much better than before.
By me being able to feel more emotions I have been able to relate better to people. I’ve been able to live out Romans 12:15 better than I have even been able to before.
“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”
God thank you for softening my heart and loving me so well. Thank you for never leaving my side. Thank you for welcoming me into your love with open arms. Please help me to love well and love bold in my daily life. Help me to seek you in every situation.
A Child Of God
Luke Risse
