Just a little recap for any of you readers out there who may not have read my last blog post, BLOG in the Name of Love (shameless plug cause you should DEFINITELY go read it and SUBSCRIBE if you haven't done so yet); this month my fellow squadmates and myself were challenged to partake in "Blog Month." What this means is that we will be posting one blog a week for every week in April, aka... four blogs in total. Being the overly competitive person that I am, I never back down from a challenge and have therefore accepted the ambitious pursuit to #BLOGITLIKEITSHOT for this month. While I'm very excited to be able to share my writings with you, this particular post was probably the most difficult thing I've ever written. It's real, it's raw, and it was only through the guidance and the peace that the Holy Spirit provided that I was able to put "pen to paper" and share part of my story. So without further ado let's take 2 on Blog Month and #BLOGITLIKEITSHOT!
One day last week I was flipping through various radio stations during my daily commute when I heard the lyrics "what if you could go back and relive one day of your life all over again, and unmake the mistake that left you a million miles away?". It comes from the song One Step Away by Casting Crowns, but instead of singing along with the catchy tune I found myself deeply contemplating the proposed question. If I had the opportunity to go back in time knowing all that I know now, all the hurt, mistakes, and heartache, would I change anything?
Some of you who have known me my whole life may be saying, "Meagan you have a great life, why would you possibly want to change anything about it?", and to you I would say, you are absolutely right! I am blessed beyond measure, and known and fiercely loved by God and by those I have the pleasure of calling my family and friends. However, there are many things that I have allowed to dictate my life for years.
I developed an eating disorder around the age of 12, although I didn't fully understand that that's what it was until many years later. When it first began I definitely had more anorexic tendencies, but as the years went by it slowly morphed into bulimia, until eventually I was experiencing symptoms of both at the same time. With my eating disorder came guilt that I would never be "good enough" because I would never be skinny enough. It also came with shame because of all that I was putting my body through and the secrecy that the disease demanded. Secrecy from my family. Secrecy from my friends. And although I knew I couldn't keep it a secret from God, I never talked to Him about it because if I didn't talk about it, it was almost as if it didn't exist. I was living a lie, masking all of my internal hurt and feelings of inadequacy with a forced smile and two simple words, "I'm fine." Not only did my eating disorder come with guilt and shame, but it also brought along baggage in the form of anxiety and depression. I began to feel that I was defined by these things and started to accept the lie that they were what made up my identity. I let the enemy run wild in my mind and tried to come to grips with the fact that I would always be a victim to my eating disorder because it was just who I was.
Fast-forward to now. It has taken many years and much like in Romans 12:2 God truly had to help me "renew my mind," but I'm overjoyed to say that I'm on the steadfast road to recovery! Recovery isn't a destination, but rather an on-going journey. It is something I will continuously have to work towards for my entire life. It hasn't been easy and this road is in no way a linear one, but it's filled with grace, love, mercy, hope, and freedom, and there's no place I'd rather be! So to answer the question "what if you could go back and unmake the mistake that left you a million miles away?" I would have to say no, and blissfully decline the offer. However, if I had the opportunity to go back and give my 12-year-old self a letter, I would and it would go a little something like this:
Dear Meagan,
You. Are. Loved. You are adored beyond measure and the same God that brings the rain that you love so much and crafted the stars that leave you in awe, looked at all He made and knew that His creation wouldn't be complete without you. Remember this when you start to feel that you aren't "good enough" or that you have nothing to offer this world. God couldn't fathom a world without you in it, so He designed you with a specific purpose and plan that only you can fulfill. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to "mess up" or hinder that plan. You're going to make mistakes along the way, but they do not get to define you. You're going to experience heartbreak, but you will come out so much stronger on the other side. You're going to feel alone at times, but take time to listen in these moments for that's when you'll hear it the loudest, that "still small voice" letting you know that everything's going to be okay. You are not now, nor will you ever be a victim to the lies that Satan tries to label you with. You are rather a victor in Jesus. I know that the enemy is loud sometimes and it feels like he is screaming at you. It's okay to scream back. Get loud. Get mad, and know that this fight has already been won. Satan is scared of you Meagan. He's scared of the ways in which God wants to use you for the Kingdom and he's going to give it everything he has got to make you believe his lies are truth. Here is the truth, you are so very precious and you're going to do wonderful things in your life! Grant yourself grace with God's guidance. Learn to love yourself not for what you see in the mirror, but rather for the passion and heart of fire you have burning for the Lord. And never ever forget that because your identity is found in Christ alone, you will always be more than enough!
