*Repost from old blog 11/2/2021
I started off my time here in Kosovo struggling. You all know I’m a pretty quiet person. In these blogs that I’ve written about conversations we’ve had with the locals for the most part have just been my teammates doing the conversations. I still very much struggle with starting up conversations and contributing to conversations. I’m not even talking about having a conversation about Jesus, I mean just trying to have small talk with a person. I still often get that anxiety and fear when it comes to talking to people.
There was one time my team went to a coffee shop and were talking to the people there just about random things, nothing serious. My team knows that talking to people is hard for me so a day or two before this they gave me some suggestions to help and challenged me to ask just one thing next time we went out. I know they gave those suggestions and challenged me because they love me and want to see me grow but in this situation, it just made it worse. When we were sitting at the coffee shop I was trying so hard to just find one thing to say and thought about the suggestions they gave and I had to forget about it all and just focus on not having a panic attack in the middle of the coffee shop.
So I never said anything during that time out. After we left the coffee shop we went back to where we were staying and I just had to be alone with God. I was just sitting out on our balcony crying, asking God for maybe the millionth time in my life why I was like this. Why am I someone that struggles so hard with talking? Why does this have to be something so debilitating and made me lose so much life? In the middle of me pouring my heart out about this to the Lord, my team leader, Drew, came out on the balcony to ask me a question but when he saw that I clearly wasn’t alright I told him what I was going through. After sharing everything on my mind he told me that he thinks I need to be focusing on the greatest commandment.
“Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.” Matthew 22:37-38
That I need to be focusing more on loving God than trying to talk to the people. That at some point down the road maybe month 5 or 6 of the race or later in my life, who knows. That I would be able to communicate the gospel clearly to a person, but for now focus on loving the Lord, first.
I had been doing this before talking to Drew, but thanks to the Holy Spirit something just clicked at that moment that hadn’t before. I honestly couldn’t tell you what but it just did. After I finished talking to Drew I just spent time with God, quiet before Him. I didn’t ask Him anything, only things coming from my lips were praises for Him. It was some of the best time I had ever spent with Him.
This was earlier on the same day that my team had dinner with some locals which I wrote about in my last blog. So when we went to dinner that night I felt no pressure. No pressure to share the gospel, no pressure to talk. But that night was probably the most my team had heard me talk to the locals. I mean I didn’t talk a lot or talk during the gospel conversation but it was progress.
Since then I have been trying to be more intentional with just spending time with Jesus, just in His presence with no agenda. Not even to be able to talk and share the gospel. I want that and everything else that I do in my life to be an overflow of the love I have for Jesus. I keep thinking of Matthew 6:21, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” I want my treasure to be God.
This last week God has just been pushing me to be bolder in having conversations with the locals and has given me a bigger heart for them. It still often terrifies me to talk to people, but God, in His mercy, has been making it a very slow process that is equal parts frustrating and amazing.
God is so GOOD!
